Things have changed a lot. A lot a lot. I don’t feel like getting into it honestly but like I met and actually talk to someone who makes me really happy to be myself. Someone who makes me upset but wants to make it work like actually. Someone who really tries to make me happy lately… it’s nice. It’s cool. I feel like I know and really care about this person and while it throws me off slightly, I still really like it. It feels good to be new.
K m
What a weird point into life! Not mad at myself, not exactly happy with myself either but I sure am a little better. And yes maybe it is a little false happiness rn but I’m sure that with time and determination and motivation, I will be back to my loving roots. I remember a church girl w a big heart. All I that I owned I gave away. I wish to go back to that state. Maybe not as a child of God, but as a lover not a fighter. I wanna say this is all for Torrey but like honestly on my momma, and my sister, it’s really not… see I’ve been trying to change myself for a man that doesn’t want to stick around through the metamorphosis. I stuck with Torrey through it. Sure it was rocky and holy fuck we went through it. But I was there, watching him go from $12 something to $15 where he’s in charge. I watched him fumble w his money to his buying my lunch and telling me he was gonna take care of us. Yet. I made those promises to Torrey. No matter what, I got you. You and I. But unfortunately, he can’t stick to those. I get maybe we’re a lot. But I know it also takes two. I’m not gonna blame either of us. But I know where I stand. I don’t think I ever want to try again. Even though this hurts a lot less, I fear that the resentment I feel, the insecurity, it just will ruin us, as it has. He doesn’t understand what leaving does to a person. And not that it'a true, but I feel that he takes from maybe his roots in that way… unfulfilled promises from his dad. So now he makes them to everyone else. Maybe I’m just not the one. In any case. I’m very proud of me and I love this version of me. God bless lmao
Had a dream you overdosed… we never talked again. The last thing we ever said to each other, I can’t even remember but it wasn’t nice. I woke up crying lol. Like bawling. I’m so scared. I get having fun n shit. But like… idk. Maybe it’s none of my business. I’ve told him I loved him like 5 or six times so… I guess that’ll have to work…
I’m crying now just thinking like if he hurts himself… he would be gone forever. No more Torrey. No more dorky smiles or jokes or anything. That’s so scary to me. I hope he thinks about that too. Not even for me for whoever he’s talking to now or himself like…i just hope he’s safe. I wish I could let him know… just in case. But. I have to let him do his thing. Regardless of it hurts me or not
So many things are going south today… I feel like such a failure. I’m so mad at myself. I’m feeling weak n I wanna just take something and sleep and not deal but I am trying to not use drugs like that. Only when i’m stable so I don’t go down the wrong path… but i’m just so upset with myself.
and of course it’s the one year anniversary. like on top of the BS I have to miss him today. like wow life just fuck me up on a spiritual level honestly.
